The End Of The Internet

The end of everything, maybe. Tubgirl was once the benchmark by which all things Fucked Up on the web were measured. I think we have a new winner in the Web 2.0 category. Well, at least something to get the debate going...

Not Safe For Work. Not Safe For Anything, really.

Bitch, Fix Me a Chicken Pot Pie... No, never mind...

Some observations on my failed marriage...

1. If I have to explain a joke, that don't mean it ain't funny. It means you're too stupid to get it.
2. If I explained to you that a sales opportunity is a pyramid scheme, the right answer is not "it's an octagon."
3. The pics you put on the internet of your tits must make your son proud.
4. The small penis remark was uncalled for. You spent a lot o

f time sore during our time together, even with that big sloppy genitalia.
5. The women I'm dating now don't complain about my sexual abilities or attributes. They aren't nearly as loose though.
6. Insurance fraud is a felony.
7. Wire fraud is a federal felony.
8. I Love You, but only if I'm happy with you is kind of controlling.
9. You're a narcissist. Like your mother and grandmother.
10. My family is much happier when I show up at functions without you.
11. That laugh drives people bugshit.
12. I made it a point to defend you against so many people. I regret it now.
13. Purple cabbage has no place in a chicken pot pie. Bitch.
14. Your control over me is slipping. This is why you're talking shit in public.
15. You have a martyr complex. This situation is built for you.
16. I wish I had all the energy back I wasted trying to make you happy.
17. When you called my son to tell him about our breakup before I did, you damaged my relationship with him badly.
18. Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a shit. I know you're somewhat limited, so let me explain. I'm the real person.

19. If you bitch about always having to do the dishes, the least you could have done was get them clean. And the dishwasher I hooked up... Was it better on your psyche to NOT use it so you could bitch so much? 

20. To whomever she's backing that thing up for now, that scar on her ass crack is where they removed the tail. That getcha warmed up, ya putz?

I'll come up with more later. You ain't on my list, but I'm sure someone will pass this on to you. I really didn't ask for this, but so help me, I will give you a fight like you've never dreamed of. I'm past sad, past disappointed, and way past you. You have poked the bear for too long. Here come the teeth. Stop your controlling, conniving, pity Leanna thing. And get some friggin therapy.

Got My Quarter Back

Years and years AND years ago, I went camping on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington. One of the things I brought back was a 1945 Quarter that I found in the woods...



The quarter languished in my keepsakes box for twenty years, and recently I gave it to someone as a token of my affection. Among other things. Well, I'm happy to report that the quarter was returned during the short-lived relationship, whereas all of the expensive stuff was kept, or more often, conveniently "lost." I'm OK with that, that's why I'm putting up this post. 

I woke this morning to a realization. I got worked over in that deal, played like a fiddle, and tossed like a Twinkie wrapper. Maybe it had been in the back of my mind, but the upside here is that I'm far past mad, sad, you know, the five stages. 

In fact, I'm feeling a little proud. I got played like a fiddle, and I don't have much room in my soul for beating myself up anymore. So, good on ya, baby bird, ya done good. I don't know how it equates to personal happiness for  you, But I played the game,  and when it was over I got my quarter back. Yay for me!

Fresh Batteries!

Meanwhile, back in the jungle...

Had a bit of a rant about Palm Trees once,
About how a Palm Tree on Pico in Santa Monica
Is just something growing there cuz man needs a bit  of shelter.

That man needs to think about moving
Philosophically speaking, of course
Because shelters have a tendency to shake, and rattle, and fall
If you live on a fault line...


You know what this freaky fucker has to say?

"Hey you, what do you see? Something beautiful, something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean? If you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean"

Even HE gets that shit.

Because here's the REAL deal
Emotionally you are obsolete, and physically you are worth  $5.69
At 7-11


Those batteries shake that thing better than you could anyway
Better than I could, but I'm pretty good with a rheostat. That's just
How I roll. I play well with others.

Speaking of rolling, the buzz on the street is...
DAMN  yo, the buzz ain't on the street, it ain't in your head, it ain't 
Even in your life!

Because those batteries are fresh
And you are obsolete... I told you to shake that thing,
But you didn't listen, and now you ain't necessary.

Hey, you might not understand if nobody ever called YOU Steely Dan...
And all it takes to show your unimportance is fresh batteries, 

Go on, turn that knob girl, I gotta focus this camera...


Damn, I'll be back, gotta go to the store... For betteries.

Sleep Disorder

I Don't Have One

However, I got this leg spasm thing that is straight up killing my sense of humor. Recharging batteries seems to have become a theme in my life over the last day or two, and I would certainly prefer it come to a positive conclusion... One way or the other, we'll discuss electricity this evening. 

What the hell

Someday is Today

Hey y'all, today is Monday by six minutes. It's someday, just barely. And you know what? I am blessed with the opportunity to share some things with you. Who comprises "you?" I guess we'll see, won't we? At the worst it'll give my Mama something to check in the mornings. Hey, mama!

Someday IS today. And there is a point to it. The point of yesterday was to shake that ass. I'm pleased to announce that asses were shaken yesterday, love was made, and hearts were lifted because of it. I haven't felt that kind of satisfaction in... I don't remember how long. The satisfactions I've felt of late were fleeting, if not imaginary.

But that wasn't today. Today is SOME DAY. Today is THE day. And that's how things are gonna be. This little blog might last until Thursday, or it might swell to truly biblical proportions. Either way, I give you this promise from my heart: you come visit here, you will know me and what I'm about. And I'm about sekf expression, and amusing you.

Happy Monday, let's set the bar high and shoot for the moon. 

Starting  from square one, here's some Monday reality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DHRGrIqmb0